Caitlain's Corner

Talking to Your Child About Sex

Communicating with your child about Sex and Sexuality

One of the most difficult responsibilities you face as a parent is making sure that your child is properly educated as s/he grows up. This can be relatively easy for many subjects. For example, learning not to hurt someone else, learning to read, learning to tie a shoe and learning to drive. However, there is one subject that is at the bottom of the priority list for most parents, and that is the subject of sex. In Western society, sex is almost universally treated as a taboo subject – one that is not discussed for fear of embarrassment or punishment. Failure to address the subject with your child, however, can lead to disastrous consequences.

Many parents try to shield their kids from anything having to do with sex, assuming that keeping them ignorant about the subject will mystically prevent them from having sex. The reality is that your child is going to find out a lot of things about that subject despite any effort you may exert to "protect" them from it. They'll hear about it at school, both in the classroom and the hallways, at the mall while they're out with friends, in music, on TV and in other media, on the Internet and even at church. In each of these places, the information they receive may be less than accurate, in some cases downright erroneous, and therefore dangerous. If you do not make the effort to ensure that what they know is based on fact, you're pretty much abdicating the responsibility of protecting your child from harm.

Some parents believe that addressing sexuality with their children might cause them to become curious and begin experimenting with sex. However, numerous studies have shown that when children are raised in homes where sex is treated in a straight-forward manner, with accurate, reliable information, they delay the onset of sexual activity. And, when they do begin having sex, they are much more likely to practice safe sex (Jaccard et al, Meschke et al). Given all of this, you have little excuse to avoid the subject.

The role of the school

Some parents trust that the schools will provide the sex education their kids need, and in many communities, children do receive some form of sex education. In a majority of cases, this "education" is centered around the threatening mantras of the "abstinence only" curriculum. This approach basically attempts to scare your child into not having sex by portraying it as inherently dangerous or deadly. Of course, once they get out of class, they'll hear from their friends that others are having sex and they'll see that it appears to be less harmful than has been portrayed in class. Statistically, almost 80% of all high school students begin sexual experimentation before they become seniors. Having no knowledge of appropriate condom use or birth control, they often experiment without protection. This, of course, can lead to some pretty serious consequences.

In about 20% of school systems, children receive what is known as comprehensive sex education, which does teach about the use of condoms and other birth and disease control practices. In still other systems, sex education is not addressed to any significant extent at all. Though schools may educate your child about many aspects of sex, it is up to you to provide the basis for how they learn to apply that knowledge – in terms of values and morals. The schools must remain morally neutral; therefore, you cannot delegate this responsibility.

Communicating with your child

The most common question concerning the subject of children and sex is, "When should I start talking to my child about sex?" Perhaps the most honest answer would be when they begin to ask questions. For most kids this will be around the time they are 4 or 5 years old, when they begin to wonder where babies come from. Of course, at this point in their lives, they won't need an in-depth explanation of the physiology behind sex and conception. Nevertheless, this will be your first foray into the subject of sex with your child and, hopefully, this conversation will last throughout the rest of their time under your tutelage.

You may get lucky and have a child that approaches you with questions about sexuality. This is rare because, just like you, they know sex is a touchy and embarrassing subject, and may be reluctant to bring it up. You should seize on such an opportunity, however, and lead your child through a series of discussions over time about what sex is about, how it is done, and the responsibilities that go along with being sexually active. Most likely though, you will have to bring the subject up first. There are many ways to do this and a variety of things you can do to facilitate the process.*

1. Encourage communication by reassuring your children that they can talk to you about anything. If they feel uncomfortable talking to you about routine matters, the chances of them talking openly with you about sexuality is fairly slim. Keep an open line of communication with your children about everything, and discussing sex will be that much easier.

2. Use teaching moments, such as a friend's pregnancy, a news article or television show to jumpstart a conversation about a particular subject. Don't try to cram everything into one session – use several different conversations over time to discuss different subjects and to reinforce previous discussions.

3. Listen to your child. Don't just talk to them – listen to what they have to say, and try to remember what it was like for you when you were their age if possible. And don't assume that your child is a "blank slate" when it comes to sex – kids hear and pick up on things at a very young age, and will already have some ideas about the subject. Ask open-ended questions about what they do know about certain topics, and use the answers as a basis for steering the conversation.

4. Respect your child's views. The bottom line is that your child is going to decide for themselves when and under what circumstances to have sex. You may want them to wait, but they may not feel it is necessary. Communicate the values you hold to them, help them learn to make sound, rational decisions, and hope that they do just that.

5. Give factual and honest answers. Don't sugarcoat things, and above all, do not lie about something. If your child finds out you've mislead them, they will disregard everything you say in the future on this subject. You'll lose credibility. If you don't know the answer to something say so, and offer to help them find the information they want. Use legitimate body part names, phrases to describe sexuality and body processes, not street slang or your own euphemisms. This will lend an air of seriousness to the conversation.

6. Don't jump to conclusions about what your child brings up. Just because they discuss something with you does not mean that they're doing it, or plan to do it. Natural curiosity leads many to bring up subjects that they are unsure about. Just because they are asking about sex doesn't mean that they are having it or will have it.

7. Avoid laying down the law. Realize that telling a child to "wait until they get married" to have sex is, for the most part, unrealistic. With the average age of marriage in the mid to late twenties now, it is almost a certainty that s/he will experience even sexual intercourse long before they get to that point. You can and should, of course, share your views on the subject, but a more realistic position of waiting until they know they are in love and with the right person is a more tenable approach. Regardless, be prepared for the eventuality that s/he may not agree with your views on the subject.

8. There is no such thing as "abnormal" when it comes to questions surrounding sexuality. It is very natural for kids to question their sexual orientation as they progress through adolescence, for example. Don't freak out if they bring it up. You may have strong opinions about homosexuality, but your child is being exposed to discussion about it in school and in other places, and the majority of kids do question their sexual orientation at some point.

9. Make sure you communicate the positive aspects of sexuality, rather than just the negative ones. It is common to want to stress the dangers of sex, but if you don't also convey the sense that sex can be a healthy, positive addition to a relationship, your child may grow up with a misunderstanding of what sex is and what it means within the context of a relationship.

10. Perhaps the best tools you can equip your child with when it comes to sexuality are the ability to make sound, rational decisions, and the ability to understand and handle risky situations. If you teach them to think for themselves, they'll be able to make decisions that allow them to remain safe and not give in to peer pressure. Make sure they also think of the long-term impacts of sexual activity – pregnancy, incurable diseases, etc.

11. Make sure your child understands the importance of respecting others and their sexuality, and that it is never acceptable to pressure or coerce someone into having sex. Teach them the meaning of rape and sexual assault and how to prevent it, and how to resist being pressured or coerced into having sex.

12. If you are uncomfortable discussing sex or particular aspects of sexuality with your child, suggest they discuss the subject with someone else, such as a school or family counselor, friend, nurse, etc. You might also consider getting an age-appropriate book about the subject of sexuality and leave it for your child. However, this should not be a substitute for talking to your child.

13. One of the most important things you can do to portray sexuality as a serious, normal topic is to present a positive image of sexuality in your relationship. If they see abuse, promiscuity and disrespect for the body in a relationship between his/her parents, that will be how the child sees "normal" sexuality, and this may carry over into their own adulthood. Conversely, the same could be said for a positive, healthy, loving and passionate relationship between the parents.

14. Your child may or may not come to you if/when s/he starts having sex. If you've encouraged an open dialogue with your child, s/he should feel comfortable doing so. Sex is an intimate act between two people, however, and s/he simply may not feel it is appropriate to discuss what they're doing with you. You shouldn't feel "left out" or disappointed that your child isn't confiding in you. This is another reason that you need to ensure that your child is equipped with the right decision-making skills and knowledge about sex – you won't be involved in the decision to have sex if/when it occurs.

When should you start talking about sex?

Most children will become curious about their bodies and yours very early in life, asking questions by the age of 4 or 5. Even at this age, you should present age-relevant, honest information about how babies are made and why mommy and daddy love each other so much. This should carry through puberty and adolescence. Girls are beginning puberty as early as 7 or 8 these days and the unknowing arrival of menarche can present a scary dilemma for a girl who does not know what is going on. Similarly, both girls and boys may begin having nocturnal orgasms/wet dreams that can be troubling for them if they have not been made aware of the fact that this is a perfectly normal occurrence. Invest in guidance regarding what is age-appropriate to discuss with your child as they grow older. You can buy books on this subject at just about any bookstore, and there are web sites in the Resources section below that offer a wealth of information as well.

One critical thing that you should convey to your child is that it is important that they can come to you if they are abused, raped or attacked. Too often children are abused by a relative, babysitter or other trusted adult figure or are raped and believe that they are to blame, or even that it is a normal behavior. They have nowhere to turn because they think that no one will believe them. Let your child know that if someone does something to them that is not normal they can come to you for help.

Educate yourself

One reason why many parents don't like talking about sex with their children is that they, too, know little other than the fact that they were told "don't do it until you get married." Learn as much as you can so that you can address the needs of your child. Know what is typical for kids of certain ages and be prepared to answer questions, including questions they may have if they interrupt you having sex. Help yourself overcome embarrassment of the subject by making sure that you know what you're talking about.

If you are extremely shy or repressed regarding sexuality, you are unlikely to be of much help to your children, even with the best of intentions. If you are incapable of discussing the subject in a rational, meaningful manner, find another trusted adult who can/will. You should not treat the subject as "taboo" or minimize its importance if you want your child to grow up with a healthy respect for sex.

Summary

Most children want you to parent – to set rules and boundaries, and enforce them. However, they also want and need the ability to exert their independence. As a parent, you have the difficult task of balancing those two seemingly exclusive options. In the end, however, they're going to be the ones who make the decisions about when to have sex. The best you can do is to communicate with them and make sure you provide them with the tools to make sound, rational decisions so that they can explore their sexuality safely.

Resources:

Here are some sites that offer more in-depth information about how to talk to your child about sex, and provide some information about what they need to know at what age.

No Place Like Home: Provides both English and Spanish information for communicating with your child beginning at age 3.

Birds and Bees Kids: Nice web site formed by a group in Seattle (and offers parent workshops about talking to kids if you live in the Seattle area).

Planned Parenthood's Parenting Web Site: Contains a wide range of helpful information about talking with your child about sexuality.

References

Jaccard, J., Dittus, P., & Gordon, V. (2000). Parent-Teen communication about pre-marital sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 15, 187-208.

Meschke, L., Bartholomae, S., and Zentall, S. (2000). Adolescent sexuality and parent-adolescent processes: Promoting healthy teen choices. Family Relations, 49, 143-154.

Advocates for Youth, Parent Resources Page

* Adapted and expanded from the AOY Parent Page.