Caitlain's Corner

Sex Esteem

Sex esteem (or sexual self esteem) and self esteem may be considered to be interrelated, but they are largely separate concepts. Self esteem is your opinion of yourself – how you view yourself within the context of your inner self and your place among family, friends, and society. Not surprisingly, sex esteem is how your view your own sexuality and how it fits in with those around you, and is a component of self esteem, but it needs to be considered within its own framework.

Sex esteem is the subjective measure of how you define yourself sexually. Your sexuality is one of the most important, yet most private aspects of being human. Many people will be able to see how your self esteem impacts you almost immediately, but only those you are intimately involved with will have any sense of your sex esteem. As a result, you don't get a continuous reinforcement of positives (and negatives) when it comes to sex on a daily basis as you do with other aspects of your self esteem.

Someone with high sex esteem will project an air of sensuality and sexual confidence about themselves. Low sex esteem can be devastating to your well being, and may lead to performance issues, sexual dissatisfaction (for you and your partner), cause you to compromise your own values, and contribute to your overall poor sense of general self esteem. It may even lead you to take sexual risks that could be harmful to you, your partner, and your potential future children. Because it is such a vital component of your humanity, it is important that you understand the forces that impact it, and perhaps learn how you might shape it to your benefit.

If you are not sexually active, does this mean anything for you? Of course it does. Everyone is a sexual being to some degree. You may elect to repress your sexuality for a period of time, or channel your energy in some path other than through sexual expression, but everyone has sexual feelings, and therefore has some sense of sex esteem. Regardless, you still need to be aware of these concepts for the future, and to understand how they are shaping you now.

The following forces are at work with respect to your sex esteem:

How you view yourself physically. Someone who has a positive view of their own physical person will have a higher sense of sexual esteem than someone who doesn't. Of course, body image is the first thing that comes to mind, but it goes much deeper than that. Consider your genitals, for example. Almost every single one of us wonders at some point if ours is "normal" or if a partner will "like it." Everyone has a unique set of equipment, and no two look alike. So, even though you may see huge boobs or long penises in porn movies, you need to know that you don't have to look like that to be good at sex. If someone refuses to be intimate with you because of the way your genitals look, then they are extremely superficial or shallow, and you shouldn't be having sex with them anyway. Make sure you keep yourself clean, neatly kept, and in good health – eat right, exercise, and do whatever is necessary to maintain a healthy body to the extent that you can. This will go a long way towards ensuring that you are happy with the body you have

Sexuality is independent of how you look. Recognize that your performance sexually is not dependant upon how you look. You can be drop-dead gorgeous and suck in bed. The mere fact that you are pretty won't matter to your partner at that point. Conversely, you can be not-so-attractive and have a stunning sexual technique. Looks do not equate to sexual skills, believe me. Sadly, many people do choose sex partners, at least initially, on their physical appearance. Therefore, it may be beneficial to learn to enhance or take advantage of those features you have that are positive, and reduce the effects of the negatives.

How you view yourself emotionally. Your emotional health must also be in good shape. If you are depressed or anxious all the time, your decision making is going to be compromised. You have to understand the ramifications of being sexual if you're going to be sexually active, and if you are unable to make sound, rational decisions, you might find yourself in a dangerous situation.

An important component of your emotional health is your sexual orientation. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. You can try to force yourself to be attracted to someone else to fit the mold imposed upon you by your parents, your church, or society, but the bottom line is that you must be true to yourself. You cannot lie to yourself about your sexuality and maintain healthy sex esteem. Doing so would force internal conflict, which would negatively impact your emotional state. You may find that the nature of the people you are attracted to changes over time, and this, too, is perfectly normal. Resist the need to label yourself in an attempt to impose a societal construct on your sexuality. Live true to yourself and you own inner sense of what feels best for you, not someone else.

How you view yourself spiritually. Your spirituality is that part of you that allows you to assign meaning to your sexuality – it is the life-force energy that makes the sexual experience exciting and meaningful on an interpersonal basis. (Note that spirituality here refers to the inner sense of spirituality and not to any religious construct.) Your spirituality with respect to sex may take some hits from time to time, especially if you've been raped or abused (physically or emotionally). Generally speaking, you should be able to enjoy sex as a spiritual, almost transcendental bonding between you and your partner. Random, meaningless sex with multiple partners is a sign of an unhealthy spiritual outlook, for it generally suggests that you are unable to form meaningful relationships.

Ability to create and maintain healthy relationships. You should avoid unhealthy or abusive relationships. These lead to your sex esteem (and other things) being dependent upon your abusive partner's praise, and your fear of being ridiculed or debased will often lead to unhealthy development sexually. Your relationship with your sex partner should be based on mutual trust, communication, and the shared intimacy that sex brings to it. If you're having sex with a partner to keep him/her from getting angry at you, you are actually damaging your sex esteem, and quite possibly your self esteem as well. And, though many people assign deep personal meaning to sex, not everyone does (at least, not on every occasion). Some people can enjoy sex with another person on a purely physical basis without the need for a deeper meaning.

Ability to put sex into the right context and relationship to other responsibilities in your life. Sexual intimacy is incredible, and it is an intense part of any relationship. However, it is not (or should not be) the "end-all, be-all" of a healthy relationship. If the sole reason you are with a partner is for the sex, then you should probably re-evaluate that relationship (excluding FWB relationships and those specifically intended to be solely sexual). If you're allowing someone to use you as a sexual object, it suggests that you may have some problems respecting yourself, and this is generally indicative of poor self esteem in general.

You also need to have a healthy appreciation for sex's limitations in addition to its benefits. Sex is an adjunct to a mutually satisfying partnership, and initiating sex with someone solely as an attempt to "fix" a damaged relationship is doomed to failure. If you're having problems with garnering respect from a partner in non-sexual areas of your relationship, how do you figure that allowing him/her to enjoy the ultimate intimacy with you is going to fix that?

Your sexual knowledge and expertise. Naturally, if you feel you have considerable knowledge in a certain area, you go into those activities with a heightened sense of self confidence. Therefore, it logically follows that this would apply in your sexual realm as well. The more you know, the more experience you have (explicit or implicit), the higher your level of confidence, and thus, the higher your sense of sex esteem.

If you think you are less than capable in some areas, work to improve those areas. Read about techniques, watch videos (including porn if appropriate), and work out an arrangement with your partner to practice new stuff. Your partner will understand that it takes time to learn and perfect new skills – they will have to do it the same way. You should also be careful that you don't over-hype your sex skills as you're courting a new partner. If you make it to bed, you're going to be found out. Conversely, don't underestimate your abilities, either. Saying something like "I'm not as skilled as I'd like to be, but I sure love to practice and try new things" will tell a potential partner that, even if you aren't the best right now, you are open to learning how they like things done and try things they like to do. (If you're good at pitching a sale, try, "I'm not as skilled as I'd like to be, but I bet with your help I could be the best.")

Your sexual confidence. Your confidence in your abilities in bed will be projected into your self confidence in your daily life. As you learn to be more sexually aggressive, and confident in your skills in pleasuring your partners, you will begin to know that you are good at what you do, and this translates into how you carry yourself when negotiating for sex with a partner. By extension, this will carry over into your general sense of self confidence. The best way to develop sexual confidence is practice, beginning with yourself.

Masturbation is the key to finding out what you like sexually. If you don't know what you like, how are you going to let your partner know? Of course, you could hope that you learn accidentally, but why do that when you have at your hand the key to finding it out on your own? Use your masturbation time to explore your own body, your own desires, your own fantasies, your own erogenous zones, etc. There is *nothing* wrong with masturbation, and tons of things that are right with it. Use it to your advantage. This is especially true for females.

Ability to be sexual and enjoy sex guilt-free. We grow up with a ton of external forces telling us that sex is bad, especially outside of marriage. Religion, family, society and even the silly sex education classes in some schools tell us that sex is immoral, unhealthy, and even sometimes fatal. The reality is that sexuality is a perfectly healthy expression of one's intimacy and connectedness with themselves and one another. There's nothing unhealthy about it at all if it is done safely and you respect its limitations (see above). You are the only arbiter of what is "right" sexually as far as you are concerned – not the government, not your parents, not your church. People will ask if certain sex acts are "normal." There's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. Anything that the two of you agree to do sexually, so long as no one else is hurt by it, is perfectly acceptable. Sex is not a bad thing, and should not be seen as such. Enjoy it for what it is.

Females have one additional hurdle to face in this arena. Our (American) society tends to cast females as "passive" or subservient to males, and it has been looked down upon for them to even express the fact that they are sexual creatures, let alone act upon it. Fortunately, at least among the more enlightened population, this outdated concept is fading away, and it is becoming much more acceptable for girls to ask guys out, make the first move sexually, etc. If you are a female, don't be afraid to revolt against the "standards" that you've seen set forth about how you are "supposed to act" sexually. You have just as much right to express yourself and your sexuality as the guys do!

In many cases, this one issue presents the biggest challenge to building positive sex esteem.

Showing responsibility for safe, consensual sex . Someone who does not understand the ramifications of risky or unprotected sex is not demonstrating a healthy understanding of what it means to be a responsible individual. Someone with good sex esteem wants to be sure they are able to enjoy sex to its fullest, and if you are afraid that you'll acquire a disease or become pregnant unintentionally, you won't be able to do that. Being safe means that you get to remove those nagging doubts in the back of your head, and allows you to perform that much more comfortably. This has the added benefit of increasing your sexual confidence.

The other side of this is honesty. If you're infected with an STI, for example, you *must* inform your partner (or potential partner) once you get to the point where becoming intimate is a distinct possibility. Risking your partner's health or safety is not a responsible thing to do, either.

You must also respect your partner's boundaries. There may come a time when you want to try something your partner doesn't. If you're communicating well, you should be able to express to your partner your desire to try something new, but you must respect their wishes if they do not wish to try the same thing. This includes initiating any new sexual activity – anything you do with a partner *must* be consensual from both (or all) parties. Continually bringing it up in the hopes that you might sway their opinion does not show respect. It is okay to bring something up every once in a while, but once your partner indicates an unwillingness to do something, you should let it go until they bring it back up.

Support for your partner's sex esteem. Recognize that you have a direct effect on the sex esteem of your partner(s). Praise your partner when he/she does something that turns you on. Let your partner know when they hit one of those magic buttons that sends shivers up your spine, and let them know they are doing a good job. This will help build their sense of sex esteem, and encourage them to communicate with you about all things sexual. If you need your partner to do something other than what he/she is doing to get you off, try to guide them in the right direction without being condescending or overly critical. Think of how you'd react if someone told you, "You suck at that. Try this."

Summary

Healthy sex esteem is *essential* to maintaining a productive, enjoyable sex life. If you learn about the forces that help build your sex esteem, you can gain an understanding of why you feel or act the way you do with respect to your sexuality. A person with low sex esteem has sex in order to feel good about themselves, whereas a person who has high sex esteem has sex because they feel good about themselves. Don't allow a low sex esteem to force you to compromise your values when it comes to sex. Enjoy sex on your terms, not those of someone else. It is your sexuality – own it!