Caitlain's Corner

Sex Education

Exploring Your Bi Side

Exploring Your Bi-curiosity

(NOTE: While this is written towards females, the same principles can be used by people of either sex)

Many women have at least a passing curiosity about what it would be like to have sex with another woman. Some may act on it, while others choose to ignore those feelings. For the girl who is curious and wishes to explore that side of her sexuality, the idea of trying to find someone to share that with can be daunting. (If you have not read the article on the differences between sex with a guy and sex with another woman , do it before you read this article.)

Statistics suggest that as many as one third of all females have experimented with someone of the same sex by the time they graduate from college. My personal belief (borne out by experience) is that as many as 80% of all females either have entertained the idea or can be convinced to try it given the right set of circumstances. And, while many consider college the best place to spread your wings and try it, it is not uncommon at all for girls in high school to be curious and want to try it as well.

One of the ironies of the sexual double standard in today's (American) society is that it is much more acceptable for girls to explore this side of their sexuality than it is for guys to do so. There is much less stigma associated with a woman exploring her lesbian side and this leads many women to seriously entertain the idea of finding another female to "play" with. But how do you go about doing that?

How do I do it?

The basic process for finding another girl to experiment with is not terribly unlike finding a guy to hook up with. Unfortunately, if you're averse to someone finding out that you're trying to hook up with another girl, it could have embarrassing repercussions for you. This is by far *the* single greatest deterrent for most girls when it comes to trying to pick up another girl.

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One of the best things you can learn to do is work your way into it subtly. If you're subtle and it backfires, then you can typically brush it off as just a passing item and not have to worry too much about someone thinking negatively about it. If you're still in high school, you'll have to keep in mind the environment regarding same sex experimentation that is present at your school. In some places, it is looked upon as a positive to have experimented, while in others, it is still seen as taboo. Of course, if you own your own sexuality and don't allow others' perceptions to dictate how you manage it, that may not matter to you. Your call.

You will find that when you get to college, it becomes easier to find someone to experiment with as a general rule. College is a time when people are on their own for the first time, they’re a little more mature, and they feel free from the societal and parental constraints on their behavior. This, combined with the fact that there are people from a wide variety of cultures and backgrounds make college an ideal place to hook up.

Methodology

One of the best ways to gauge the interest of a girl in having sex with another girl is to engage her in a conversation about the subject. Unlike with guys, you can generally do this and not have to worry about someone seeing it as damaging to your reputation or your femininity. Of course as I stated above, the key is to do it subtly – you usually can't just come out and ask another girl if she'd like to fuck.

Your best tool for doing something like this is to find a subject that is in the news about a lesbian or bisexual woman and bring the subject up in a conversation with another female you have an interest in. Angelina Jolie is by far the best example of this. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard (supposedly) straight women state that they'd "go lez" for Angelina. And, since she has publicly stated that she enjoys sex with women in addition to men, she is a frequent subject of conversation when it comes to female fantasies about fucking another woman. Of course, she's just an example; you can use any female you wish, so long as you can associate her with the subject at hand.

An example of a line to use might be, "Angelina is so hot and she likes sex with other women. I've often wondered what that would be like." You substitute "often" with "occasionally" or any other adjective that suits your frame of mind and the situation. That statement is generic and "acceptable" enough that it doesn't scream "I'm a lesbian," while it conveys that you are at least comfortable with the idea of two women having sex with each other. You'll have to gauge the other person's reaction to your statement to know how to proceed. If they indicate disgust, you can generally assume that your target is not likely to share your interest in sex with women (Though this is not necessarily the case. They may be feigning disgust in the hopes you don't perceive them as a lesbian or having "weird" sexual fantasies).

If your target conveys the same interest or desire you do regarding Angelina, then you need to begin to swing the conversation around to specifically discussing what it might be like to have sex with another female in generic terms. You'll have to read your target as the conversation proceeds to ensure that you don't overdo it. If you come on too strong at the outset, you may scare your target, especially if they are tentative about their own sexuality and the fantasies they've had. It might be best to lay off, allow the subject to simmer in your target's mind for a bit, and then revisit the issue at a later date. This is especially true for girls who've not really given any thought to lesbian sex. Once you plant the seed, though, they will at least put some passing thought into it and formulate some ideas about what it might be like.

If you bide your time, and bring the subject up as it is appropriate, at some point, you may be able to begin a conversation about entertaining a serious interest in finding a woman to experiment with. If your target has been engaged in the conversations you've had with her, it is possible she'll share similar feelings and interests, and may be inclined to offer to experiment with you. Or, if you are bold enough, you may expedite the process by finding the right time to kiss her or share some other intimate touching as a prelude to further "exploration." Again, this is just like it would be if you were working towards getting a guy in bed and the key is to gauge her reactions to guide you.

If necessary, you may wish to utilize some social lubrication (i.e., alcohol) to help loosen your target up. I'm not suggesting that you get her drunk and take advantage of her, but everyone knows that alcohol loosens the inhibitions. You can use this to your benefit by engaging her in a conversation about sex, and can usually be a little more open about it than you would if you were not drinking. Sometimes this can have interesting results.

Of course, this is just one idea (and the one I've found that works best). There are many other ideas you might try:

- Have someone dare you to kiss another girl (preferably your target) at a party (esp. in a Truth or Dare game). Of course, Spin the Bottle works well also. If a girl has never kissed another girl before, this can be an eye-opening experience, especially if you make the kiss really good.
- Flirt with someone you are interested in and see where it leads. Again, this is not unlike pursuing a sexual relationship with a guy. This is a kind of brazen way of doing it, and is probably only a good idea if you're not averse to encountering negative reactions from your target or others who have a view of the proceedings. Keep in mind that many girls flirt with each other and see it as no more than just casual play, so you'll need to find a way to convey the seriousness of your interest in her (and that can be more difficult than you might imagine).
- If you know someone who is bisexual or lesbian, and feel that you can approach them, you may seek counsel from them. You may find that they would be willing to "initiate" you into the world of sex with women or perhaps hook you up with someone who will.
- Take advantage of your time at parties, at the gym, at the club, or other events or venues where other women congregate and tend to be a little more relaxed. At parties and clubs especially, as the alcohol flows, girls tend to open up and become a little less inhibited.
- Go to a bar frequented by lesbians. There's no law that states that the other person you experiment with has to be someone who is bisexual themselves. Lesbians enjoy sex with women – they don't care what your sexual orientation is.
- Use social networking sites (i.e., MySpace) or personals ads to find other females in your area that are open to experimenting or who are also curious about the subject. You *must* be careful when doing this because of the potential for encountering weirdos, freaks, and even guys pretending to be bisexual girls.

One item not on the list is GLBT advocacy groups, at either high school or college. At first glance, these may seem like a place to meet someone who might like to experiment. And it *might* be. As a general rule, however, these groups work on individual and social issues related to being gay, and don’t appreciate being used as a place or mechanism for hooking up. In fact, they generally have to fight these sorts of stereotypical images and perceptions from people outside the group. So, while it may be tempting to try to access someone this way, I would generally counsel against it.

We've kissed, now what?

As with that first kiss, the next step is not any different than the beginnings of sex with a guy. You simply allow nature to take its course, taking it one step at a time. Allow the hands to wander, the tongue and lips to wander, and eventually you'll get to the point where you'll be pulling clothes off and having sex with her.

Hopefully, you've spent some time exploring your body, especially through masturbation. You should know your way around your own body – know what feels good, what doesn't, the special places to touch, to bite, etc. Use your knowledge to explore your new partner's body. Chances are good that the same special places on your body are special on hers. As someone who is equipped with the same parts that she has, you'll have the kind of "advance" knowledge in this situation that you lack when you're engaged with a guy.

Your first taste

At some point, it'll come time for you to go down on her and get your first taste of pussy. Other than your own, of course. If you've not already done so, during your own masturbation sessions, taste yourself. Stick your fingers into your pussy, get them sopping wet (not just damp) and stick them in your mouth to see how you taste. If you don't, you won't have any idea what to expect when you go down on your new friend. And, hopefully, you will have had someone go down on you and will have some idea of how to go about licking, nibbling, biting, and using your fingers to get you off. Therefore, you come equipped with the basic knowledge you need to get started making it an orgasmic experience for her.

Remember, everyone is different when it comes to what gets them off, so even someone who has been down on several girls will still have to figure out what makes a new one cum. Don't be tentative with it – you know how you like having your pussy eaten, and the same basic techniques work in the vast majority of cases, so use that as an example of what to do to her. Communicate with her, watch and feel for her reactions to what you're doing and adjust accordingly. You may also wish to avail yourself of some of my articles on eating pussy and similar topics in my journal, or make use of some good lesbian erotica or porn to give you some ideas.

My basic advice for your first time is to not over think it – just do it. Just as your first sexual intercourse with a guy was probably tentative, so will this be. It is not rocket science, but the physical and spiritual exploration of another person. There's no "script" or set of rules, other than to make it as enjoyable for the both of you as it can be. There's nothing to be scared of. If your partner knows it is your first time, she'll make allowances for that. And, if it is the first time for both of you, you'll both be sharing an incredibly intense, erotic experience and will relish the fact that you shared it together. I guarantee you that your experience having sex with another woman will make you much more attuned to your own sexual self (even if it is a bad experience). You will have a new appreciation for your own sexuality after you've been on the giving end, and it will make you a much more self-confident individual, both in and out of the bedroom.

Ethical Considerations

Many women can enjoy just a purely sexual relationship with another female, especially as a form of "experimentation." As with any other interpersonal relationship, however, feelings can become an issue. If your intent is solely to explore the physical aspects of your sexuality, you need to make sure that your partner understands that at the outset. You don't want to lead them on.

You also need to be prepared for the potential that you may actually develop feelings for the other person. Even though your intent may be simply to enjoy the sex, you may find yourself developing a crush or other emotional attachment to the woman you are with. There's nothing "wrong" with that, but you do need to be prepared in the event that it happens – will you feel comfortable having an emotional relationship with another woman? Do you mind "being" bisexual in the truest sense of the word? What happens if you decide that you like it enough that you no longer wish to be with men? In the end, there's no need to force a label upon yourself. Your sexuality is yours to enjoy as you see fit. Do so, and don't worry about someone else's description of it.

If I'm in a relationship with a guy, is having sex with a female "cheating?"

Sex with anyone outside the relationship is cheating if it is not authorized or condoned by the other person. Some guys don't care if their girlfriends experiment or play around with other females, but most do and see it as cheating just as if it were another guy they were playing with. If you're in a relationship with a guy and want to experiment with a woman, you may wish to consider discussing the subject with your boyfriend. Be prepared, though. Some may see this as an opportunity to turn your exploration into a potential threesome (and of course, if you're up for that, then so much the better).

Safe Sex

Though sex with another woman is far less likely to result in you contracting an STD, you must take appropriate precautions unless you know for sure that your sex partner is free of diseases. Oral sex with another woman can result in STD transmission, so it is just as necessary to employ safe sex practices in a first time sexual encounter with them as it is with a guy (and in future encounters until you've both been tested or confirmed to not have a disease). Use dental dams or other latex barriers for oral sex, for example. One extremely positive aspect of lesbian sex is that fact that you can't get pregnant from it, so birth control is not an issue.

Summary

Remember, there is *nothing* wrong with exploring your sexuality, so long as no one gets hurt. Fortunately (or perhaps, sadly), as a female, it is considered much more "acceptable" for you to explore this side of you than it is for a guy to do so. The basic process for finding someone for your first time isn't terribly unlike finding a guy to have sex with. The only downside is that you may face issues with those who have problems with anyone who is "gay." If you can overcome these kinds of fears, you will be rewarded with an incredible sexual experience that I can assure you that you will never forget. You may even decide that you enjoy it enough to make it a routine part of your sexual menu. Of course, you may decide that you don't like it, and that is just as acceptable as well. The important thing is that you explored an aspect of your sexuality, and that is never a bad thing.