Caitlain's Corner

Sex Education

Am I Gay/Lez/Bi?

What Is Sexual Orientation?

Sexual orientation is an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to another person. It is easily distinguished from other components of sexuality including biological sex, gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and the social gender role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior).

Sexual orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from exclusive homosexuality to exclusive heterosexuality and includes various forms of bisexuality. Bisexual individuals can experience sexual, emotional and affectional attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex. People with a homosexual orientation are sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or as lesbian (women only).

Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept – concepts which may be obviated through behavior, though this is not necessarily the case. *

Am I gay?

As we grow up, we develop friendships and attractions to others, including people of the same gender. In some instances we will become romantically involved with one or more of them. For most people, these romantic attachments involve members of the opposite gender, but many others will go on to become involved with those of the same gender. People who develop attractions or affections for people of the same gender often wonder whether they are, in fact, gay.

Other people are attracted to both men and women, and have relationships with both. Some people are not attracted to anyone and wonder if this is a sign of homosexuality. Often, only time that will resolve these feelings. Recent studies suggest that as many as one in ten people in the U. S. are gay. If you identify with and accept the fact that you are attracted to members of the same sex exclusively, then you might feel comfortable identifying yourself as being gay.

When will I know if I am gay?

The answer to this will vary from individual to individual. For some, they may never truly realize or accept that they are gay. Others will recognize this early on, in many cases even before puberty sets in. It is also somewhat common for people to realize later in life that they are gay, sometimes even after having been married and having children. So, aside from “you’ll know when you know,” there is no single answer to this question.

You’re liable to face some tough feelings as you discover that you might be gay, especially if you’re brought up in an environment that is less than accepting of such a lifestyle. Trying to negate the feelings to appease either yourself or someone else, or to convince yourself that you’re not gay is not going to make them go away, however. Basically, you need to be true to yourself, and allow yourself to come to grips with how you truly feel about who you are attracted to. If that happens to be members of the same sex, then accept that and prepare to deal with the inevitable issues that you will face as you grow up.

Is homosexuality a “phase?”

As with the answer to the last question, this, too, will vary from individual to individual. Alfred Kinsey postulated that sexuality exists along a continuum, and that people can and do move along that continuum with respect to their sexual orientation across time. As you grow up, you may be attracted to members of the opposite sex for a while, and gradually become attracted to those of the same sex as they age. You may even be equally attracted to members of both sexes. The inverse of this may be true as well. Same-sex experimentation is a part of growing up for many people. Psychologists recognize this as a valid part of growing up and identifying who you are and providing you with your sense of self. It may be a phase for you, but it may not – only time will tell.

What causes someone to be gay?

Scientists, philosophers, religious leaders and many others have debated this question for years, but no one has yet determined the specific causes or set of circumstances that lead to someone being gay. It is widely accepted that people cannot or do not choose to be either gay or straight. In fact, most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors, and is largely out of an individual’s control. Sexual orientation emerges for most people in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience, so to assert that these people “choose” to be gay makes no sense. Although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed.

There is also considerable recent evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality. Still other studies have shown some differences in brain and thought patterns between straight and gay individuals, but they have not shown what causes those differences. In summary, it is important to recognize that there are probably many reasons for a person's sexual orientation and the reasons may be different for different people.

There are also arguments about the manner in which someone is raised being responsible for their turning out gay. These kinds of arguments are negated, generally speaking, by the fact that most children raised by gay parents grow up to be heterosexual, and many children raised by heterosexual parents grow up to be gay. It is possible to raise a child outside of society’s “gender norm” for a specific gender (i.e., tomboy females who manifest the appearance and behaviors associated with males), but this has little, if any direct relevance to one’s sexual orientation. There have been few comprehensive longitudinal studies about how society, school, church, and other impacts on the individual contribute to his/her sexual orientation. Without this body of knowledge, there will be no way to even begin to ascertain whether or not it is possible to be oriented towards “gayness” as a result of direct societal impacts.

There is also no evidence to suggest that someone can “turn someone else gay.” It is likely, however, that it is possible to cause someone to recognize and act upon latent attractions or desires to experiment and explore these aspects of the sexuality, but this merely brings out pre-existing conditions within another individual, rather than manifesting some sort of “change” in them.

Generally, though, most people agree that, whatever is responsible for making someone gay, bi or straight - that's just the way they are. Being gay is not a decision. It is same way straight people are born straight. Straight people didn’t just wake up one day and decide they were going to be attracted to the opposite sex, so it should not be a surprise that gay people have not made a similar “choice.”

Is it possible to stop being gay?

For a great many years, psychologists classified homosexuality as an “illness,” which implied that it could be “cured.” In the early 1970s, however, as more became known about what it meant to be gay, the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. However, there are still those today who insist that it is specifically one’s choice to be gay, and participate in “aberrant” behavior, despite the scientific and medical evidence to suggest otherwise.

Some therapists who undertake so-called “conversion therapy” report that they have been able to change their clients' sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. Close scrutiny of these reports however show several factors that cast doubt on their claims. For example, many of the claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective which condemns homosexuality. Furthermore, their claims are poorly documented. For example, treatment outcome is not followed and reported over time as would be the standard to test the validity of any mental health intervention.

Generally speaking, there is no evidence to support the contention that, with perhaps very rare exceptions, it is possible to cause or force someone to stop “being gay.” The more important question, however would be why would that even be necessary? If being gay is part of who you are, forcing yourself to deny that can and will lead to other problems such as a lack of self identification.

Who needs labels anyway?

As a society, we tend to want to force labels upon things – to make them fit into our preconceived notions about how things work and how the world fits together. This is no different with the desire to label ourselves as “straight, gay, or bisexual.” It helps us identify ourselves relative to other people. IN many cases, this is comforting; in other this is not so much the case.

Since we’ve discussed that your sexual orientation is liable to move from one point to another along this continuum, you have to ask yourself why you need to attach a label to yourself to begin with. You need to learn to accept that you are what you are – there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of the same sex. Some of the greatest people in the history of the world have been gay, including a pope. You have to live your life for yourself, and trying to force yourself to fit into someone else’s concept of what “normal” looks like is not being true to yourself. They may have issues with you being gay, but that is their problem, not yours.

There is nothing at all wrong with being gay. At all.

SOURCES:

American Psychological Association*
PFLAG.org
AVERT.org