Caitlain's Corner

Sex Education

Being a Teen Parent

Once you've found out that you're pregnant, you will have some soul searching to do and some decisions to make. Parenting is a full-time job in and of itself, and it will be a life altering event; indeed, it will be one of the toughest things you experience. This is exacerbated by the fact that you are a teenager – still a child yourself in the eyes of everyone around you.

If you decide to carry your pregnancy to term and keep your child, you automatically become disadvantaged from the outset. There are a wide variety of factors that make being a teenage parent a less than optimal choice, both for you and your child. This is not to say that it is impossible for you to be a successful parent. Making that choice, however, requires that you fully understand the ramifications of what being a parent is all about, and how it will affect your life.

The Facts

Almost one million teenagers will become pregnant this year. Of those, 78% are unplanned. Of those that go on to deliver their child, 81% will not be married when the child is born. Statistically, the odds are stacked against teenagers as parents across a wide variety of concerns. For example, teens who become pregnant*:

1. Are less likely to complete high school, let alone college. Only 40% of teen mothers go on to finish HS, and only 1.5% go on to finish college – far, far lower than the national averages
2. Are more prone to living in poverty conditions
3. Of those who get married, by the time the child reaches the age of three, a high percentage of those marriages have ended.
4. Are more likely to forego prenatal and postnatal care
5. Are more likely to give birth prematurely and their babies are 50% more likely to have low birth weight.
6. Are more likely to give birth to children with significant medical problems
7. Will have children who are 50% more likely to have to repeat a grade in school.

Choices

If you've gotten pregnant on purpose, then you've (theoretically) already made the choice about how you want to handle it. However, if your pregnancy was unintended, you'll need to decide whether or not you wish to carry it to term and, if so, what to do once the baby is born. If you wish to abort the baby, you can see the article on abortion here.

Some pregnant teens initially intend to give up their child for adoption after s/he is born. However, doing that after carrying a child for nine months proves to be difficult for most women. In the long run, it may make more sense in terms of being the best choice for both the mother and the child to give it up for adoption – especially if you're not emotionally prepared to raise a child.

You should also consider the father of the child in your choices. If the father accepts the responsibility, and agrees to help you care for and raise the child, then so much the better. Do you intend to get married, and if so, can the two of you live independently from your families? Some girls will get pregnant if their relationship with a boyfriend is on the rocks in the hopes that it will make the relationship stronger. Do not fall into that trap – in all likelihood it will only serve to make your relationship more tenuous.

Your parents must also be a consideration if you live at home. Some parents react negatively to a pregnant daughter, and it is not unheard of for them to throw her out of the house (though this is generally illegal). In most cases, however, parents are understanding and offer to help raise the child in some form or fashion.

Other things you have to consider:

1. Are you prepared emotionally to have a child? This may seem like an easy question, but when you consider all that is involved in raising a child (24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year), you might find that it is more of a commitment than you're willing to make at this point in your life.

2. How will you handle the financial responsibilities of raising a child? At a bare minimum, it costs approximately $8,000 the first year to raise a child.** Will you expect your parents to help, the baby's father, other relatives? Raising a child takes money, obviously, and you may end up having to get a job. Can you balance a job, school, and raising a child? Who will take care of the child while you're at work or school? Will you go on Welfare to help out?

3. What are (were) your life goals and how will they need to be modified to accommodate the presence of a child?

Another alternative available to you is temporary foster care. In these kinds of arrangements, you place your child into foster care until you are able to raise and support it. There are several different arrangements available for this course of action. They include placement with another relative (such as aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.) You and the father must agree to put the baby in foster care, regardless of whether you are married or not. You sign an agreement with the placement agency, and once you meet the terms of the agreement regarding being able to care for your child, s/he will be returned to you voluntarily.

Pregnant Teens in High School

As a pregnant teen you should endeavor to remain in school as long as possible. There is no doubt that people who complete high school are much more likely to be successful, productive adults. Completing high school gives you an advantage when trying to find a job as you get older as well.

If your school offers parenting education programs, you should avail yourself of them to ensure that you know as much as possible, both before and after the birth of your child. Parenting is not something that comes "naturally" to someone, so the more time you spend investing in the future of your child, the better off both of you will be. Alternatively, you might contact Planned Parenthood or other social services agencies. They offer parent education programs to help you prepare for motherhood.

Some high schools offer day care programs in the school to care for the babies of students. In some cities, there may be a specific school for teen parents to attend. If you don't have such a program in your school district, you may wish to approach the school administration about implementing one. It is almost a certainty that other girls in your school are or will become pregnant. Most states also offer programs that help fund day care for teens so that they can continue going to school. You should contact your local social services agency for information regarding the availability of these kinds of services.

While some of your friends will be supportive (and even envious in some cases), you'll need to be prepared to face possible harassment by other students. Some may call you a slut or other derogatory names. Even people out in public may treat you rudely if you appear to be very young and have a child already. You can counter this by handling yourself and your pregnancy with maturity – don't let others dictate how you see yourself.

Being a parent

Being a parent can be a very rewarding experience if you're prepared to handle it. Parenting is a full time job, and it will drastically affect your life. While most other teenagers are out enjoying growing up, being with friends, etc., you will have to dedicate your life to taking care of this new child that you've brought into the world. You have to understand that it is a lot of work, and there's no getting out of it – you'll be responsible for this new life for at least 18 years. This is certainly not to say that your life will be "ruined," but it will most definitely be completely different than what you though it would be up to this point.

Once you find out that you're pregnant, you should seek prenatal care as soon as possible to ensure that your baby will develop without any unnecessary problems. You'll learn how to take care of yourself and your child, and how to make life easier on the both of you as your pregnancy progresses. You should also strive to learn as much about raising a child as you possibly can in the time that you have before birth.

Once your baby arrives, you no longer get to concentrate on what you do for yourself – it is all about your child. Your world will revolve 24 hours a day around him/her and when it needs something, you'll be expected to be there to fulfill that need. Your baby will need to be fed several times a day, taken to the doctor, loved, bathed, played with, have its diapers changed etc. This probably sounds terrific thus far, but once the reality sinks in that you'll have to do this continually for the next several years, it may appear more daunting.

The Role of the Father

Almost all of the attention regarding teen pregnancy is focused on the female. Obviously, however, the father should play an important role in the raising of any child if at all possible. There are some important things you need to keep in mind as well.

When you find out that you're involved in a pregnancy, you will most likely have some strong feelings about the situation. You may be excited, proud, scared, confused, or some combination of all of those. Hopefully, as a prelude to engaging in sexual intercourse, you and your partner will have discussed the options that are available in the event of a pregnancy, and have given some consideration as to how you'd handle it. Whatever you do, you should stand by your partner and help her make the decision as to what to do with it. You have to understand, however, that the final choice regarding what she does rests with her alone.

You'll also be forced to confront your parents and their reaction to the fact that you've gotten a girl pregnant. They may understand, or they may not. They will be concerned about whether or not you plan to do the right thing and help support the mother and the child, and how you plan to help pay for the expenses associated with raising a child. If you refuse to accept responsibility for it, or you refuse to help pay for the raising of your child, the mother or the government may pursue legal action to force you to do so. If you do not have a job, or a source of income, your parents may be forced to help pay child support.

If the two of you elect to keep the child, how will you be involved in raising it? Even if you're not in a position to help out financially, perhaps the most important role you can take is that of a loving father. Become emotionally involved with your child, and be supportive of the mother. Help perform the daily tasks associated with raising your child, such as changing diapers, cleaning the baby up, feeding it, taking it to the doctor, etc. If possible, you should attend the prenatal and parenting classes with your partner as well.

It is also important that you establish paternity for the child. If you're not married, even though your name is on the birth certificate, you have to establish the fact that you are the child's father. This is necessary to allow your child to receive benefits through your insurance, welfare, etc. It is also the only way you'll be able to establish the legal right to visitation and custody if something happens to the mother and/or your relationship with her.

Legal Rights

It is important to note that, while your parents have legal responsibility for you, they do not have legal responsibility for your child. Generally speaking, they cannot:

1. Force you to have an abortion
2. Force you to carry the pregnancy to term (though in states where parental consent is required, you may have to go to court to prevent them from doing so).
3. Force you to give up or keep your child once it is born
4. Force you to put it up for adoption or into foster care.

The only exception to these is when they can demonstrate to a judge that you are unable to make these decisions for yourself, or to care for your child. In those cases, legal custody is usually awarded to your parents until you become an adult [18].

Public schools cannot deny you access to classes, extracurricular activities and other services because you are pregnant or have a child. They also must accommodate any absences you have to incur to ensure your child receives appropriate medical care.

Summary

Becoming a parent as a teenager is not generally recognized as a positive thing. This is because of all of the disadvantages that it causes for you, both in the near term and in the long run. If you're going to become a parent, be sure that you understand that it entails being responsible for another life 24 hours a day, seven days a week, everyday, for the next 18 years of your life. It is a decision that must not be taken lightly.

Resources

Girl-Mom

* Sources for statistics: SIECUS, Fact Sheet: Teenage Pregnancy, Birth, and Abortion. Alan Guttmacher Institute, Teenager’s Sexual and Reproductive Health. U.S. Centers for Disease Control web site.

** Expenditures on Children and Families 2004, USDA