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Sex esteem (or sexual
self esteem) and self esteem may be considered to be interrelated, but
they are largely separate concepts. Self esteem is your opinion of
yourself – how you view yourself within the context of your inner self
and your place among family, friends, and society. Not surprisingly,
sex esteem is how your view your own sexuality and how it fits in with
those around you, and is a component of self esteem, but it needs
to be considered within its own framework.
Sex esteem is the
subjective measure of how you define yourself sexually. Your sexuality
is one of the most important, yet most private aspects of being human.
Many people will be able to see how your self esteem impacts you almost
immediately, but only those you are intimately involved with will have
any sense of your sex esteem. As a result, you don't get a continuous
reinforcement of positives (and negatives) when it comes to sex on a
daily basis as you do with other aspects of your self esteem.
 Someone with high sex
esteem will project an air of sensuality and sexual confidence about
themselves. Low sex esteem can be devastating to your well
being, and may lead to performance issues, sexual dissatisfaction (for
you and your partner), cause you to compromise your own values, and
contribute to your overall poor sense of general self esteem. It may
even lead you to take sexual risks that could be harmful to you, your
partner, and your potential future children. Because it is such a vital
component of your humanity, it is important that you understand the
forces that impact it, and perhaps learn how you might shape it to your
benefit.
If you are not
sexually active, does this mean anything for you? Of course it does.
Everyone is a sexual being to some degree. You may elect to repress
your sexuality for a period of time, or channel your energy in some path
other than through sexual expression, but everyone has sexual feelings,
and therefore has some sense of sex esteem. Regardless, you still need
to be aware of these concepts for the future, and to understand how they
are shaping you now.
The following forces
are at work with respect to your sex esteem:
How you view yourself
physically.
Someone who has a positive view of their own physical person will have a
higher sense of sexual esteem than someone who doesn't. Of course,
body image is the first thing that comes to mind, but it goes much
deeper than that. Consider your genitals, for example. Almost every
single one of us wonders at some point if ours is "normal" or if a
partner will "like it." Everyone has a unique set of equipment, and no
two look alike. So, even though you may see huge boobs or long penises
in porn movies, you need to know that you don't have to look like that
to be good at sex. If someone refuses to be intimate with you because
of the way your genitals look, then they are extremely superficial or
shallow, and you shouldn't be having sex with them anyway. Make sure
you keep yourself clean, neatly kept, and in good health – eat right,
exercise, and do whatever is necessary to maintain a healthy body to the
extent that you can. This will go a long way towards ensuring that you
are happy with the body you have
Sexuality is
independent of how you look. Recognize that your performance
sexually is not dependant upon how you look. You can be drop-dead
gorgeous and suck in bed. The mere fact that you are pretty won't matter
to your partner at that point. Conversely, you can be
not-so-attractive and have a stunning sexual technique. Looks do not
equate to sexual skills, believe me. Sadly, many people do choose sex
partners, at least initially, on their physical appearance. Therefore,
it may be beneficial to learn to enhance or take advantage of those
features you have that are positive, and reduce the effects of the
negatives.
How you view yourself
emotionally.
Your emotional health must also be in good shape. If you are depressed
or anxious all the time, your decision making is going to be
compromised. You have to understand the ramifications of being sexual
if you're going to be sexually active, and if you are unable to make
sound, rational decisions, you might find yourself in a dangerous
situation.
An important component
of your emotional health is your sexual orientation. You are attracted
to who you are attracted to. You can try to force yourself to be
attracted to someone else to fit the mold imposed upon you by your
parents, your church, or society, but the bottom line is that you must
be true to yourself. You cannot lie to yourself about your sexuality
and maintain healthy sex esteem. Doing so would force internal
conflict, which would negatively impact your emotional state. You may
find that the nature of the people you are attracted to changes over
time, and this, too, is perfectly normal. Resist the need to label
yourself in an attempt to impose a societal construct on your sexuality.
Live true to yourself and you own inner sense of what feels best for
you, not someone else.
How you view yourself
spiritually.
Your spirituality is that part of you that allows you to assign meaning
to your sexuality – it is the life-force energy that makes the sexual
experience exciting and meaningful on an interpersonal basis. (Note
that spirituality here refers to the inner sense of spirituality and not
to any religious construct.) Your spirituality with respect to sex may
take some hits from time to time, especially if you've been raped or
abused (physically or emotionally). Generally speaking, you should be
able to enjoy sex as a spiritual, almost transcendental bonding between
you and your partner. Random, meaningless sex with multiple partners is
a sign of an unhealthy spiritual outlook, for it generally suggests that
you are unable to form meaningful relationships.
Ability to create and
maintain healthy relationships.
You should avoid
unhealthy or abusive relationships. These lead to your sex esteem (and
other things) being dependent upon your abusive partner's praise, and
your fear of being ridiculed or debased will often lead to unhealthy
development sexually. Your relationship with your sex partner should
be based on mutual trust, communication, and the shared intimacy that
sex brings to it. If you're having sex with a partner to keep him/her
from getting angry at you, you are actually damaging your sex esteem,
and quite possibly your self esteem as well. And, though many people
assign deep personal meaning to sex, not everyone does (at least, not on
every occasion) . Some people can enjoy sex with another person on a
purely physical basis without the need for a deeper meaning.
Ability to put sex
into the right context and relationship to other responsibilities in
your life.
Sexual intimacy is incredible, and it is an intense part of any
relationship. However, it is not (or should not be) the "end-all,
be-all" of a healthy relationship. If the sole reason you are with a
partner is for the sex, then you should probably re-evaluate that
relationship (excluding FWB relationships and those specifically
intended to be solely sexual). If you're allowing someone to use you
as a sexual object, it suggests that you may have some problems
respecting yourself, and this is generally indicative of poor self
esteem in general.
You also need to have
a healthy appreciation for sex's limitations in addition to its
benefits. Sex is an adjunct to a mutually satisfying
partnership, and initiating sex with someone solely as an attempt to
"fix" a damaged relationship is doomed to failure. If you're having
problems with garnering respect from a partner in non-sexual areas of
your relationship, how do you figure that allowing him/her to enjoy the
ultimate intimacy with you is going to fix that?
Your sexual knowledge
and expertise.
Naturally, if you feel you have considerable knowledge in a certain
area, you go into those activities with a heightened sense of self
confidence. Therefore, it logically follows that this would apply in
your sexual realm as well. The more you know, the more experience you
have (explicit or implicit), the higher your level of confidence, and
thus, the higher your sense of sex esteem.
If you think you are
less than capable in some areas, work to improve those areas. Read
about techniques, watch videos (including porn if appropriate), and work
out an arrangement with your partner to practice new stuff. Your
partner will understand that it takes time to learn and perfect new
skills – they will have to do it the same way. You should also be
careful that you don't over-hype your sex skills as you're courting a
new partner. If you make it to bed, you're going to be found out.
Conversely, don't underestimate your abilities, either. Saying
something like "I'm not as skilled as I'd like to be, but I sure love to
practice and try new things" will tell a potential partner that, even if
you aren't the best right now, you are open to learning how they like
things done and try things they like to do. (If you're good at pitching
a sale, try, "I'm not as skilled as I'd like to be, but I bet with your
help I could be the best.")
Your sexual confidence.
Your confidence in your abilities in bed will be projected into your
self confidence in your daily life. As you learn to be more sexually
aggressive, and confident in your skills in pleasuring your
partners, you will begin to know that you are good at what you do, and
this translates into how you carry yourself when negotiating for sex
with a partner. By extension, this will carry over into your general
sense of self confidence. The best way to develop sexual confidence is
practice, beginning with yourself.
Masturbation is the
key to finding out what you like sexually. If you don't know what you
like, how are you going to let your partner know? Of course, you could
hope that you learn accidentally, but why do that when you have at your
hand the key to finding it out on your own? Use your masturbation time
to explore your own body, your own desires, your own fantasies, your own
erogenous zones, etc. There is *nothing* wrong with masturbation, and
tons of things that are right with it. Use it to your advantage. This
is especially true for females.
Ability to be sexual
and enjoy sex guilt-free.
We grow up with a ton of external forces telling us that sex is bad,
especially outside of marriage. Religion, family, society and even the
silly sex education classes in some schools tell us that sex is immoral,
unhealthy, and even sometimes fatal. The reality is that sexuality is
a perfectly healthy expression of one's intimacy and connectedness with
themselves and one another. There's nothing unhealthy about it at all
if it is done safely and you respect its limitations (see above). You
are the only arbiter of what is "right" sexually as far as you are
concerned – not the government, not your parents, not your church.
People will ask if certain sex acts are "normal." There's no such
thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. Anything that the two of you
agree to do sexually, so long as no one else is hurt by it, is perfectly
acceptable. Sex is not a bad thing, and should not be seen as such.
Enjoy it for what it is.
Females have one
additional hurdle to face in this arena. Our (American) society tends
to cast females as "passive" or subservient to males, and it has been
looked down upon for them to even express the fact that they are sexual
creatures, let alone act upon it. Fortunately, at least among the more
enlightened population, this outdated concept is fading away, and it is
becoming much more acceptable for girls to ask guys out, make the first
move sexually, etc. If you are a female, don't be afraid to revolt
against the "standards" that you've seen set forth about how you are
"supposed to act" sexually. You have just as much right to express
yourself and your sexuality as the guys do!
In many cases, this
one issue presents the biggest challenge to building positive sex
esteem.
Showing responsibility
for safe, consensual sex
. Someone who does not understand the ramifications of risky or
unprotected sex is not demonstrating a healthy understanding of what it
means to be a responsible individual. Someone with good sex esteem
wants to be sure they are able to enjoy sex to its fullest, and if you
are afraid that you'll acquire a disease or become pregnant
unintentionally, you won't be able to do that. Being safe means that
you get to remove those nagging doubts in the back of your head, and
allows you to perform that much more comfortably. This has the added
benefit of increasing your sexual confidence.
The other side of this
is honesty. If you're infected with an STI, for example, you *must*
inform your partner (or potential partner) once you get to the point
where becoming intimate is a distinct possibility. Risking your
partner's health or safety is not a responsible thing to do, either.
You must also respect
your partner's boundaries. There may come a time when you want to try
something your partner doesn't. If you're communicating well, you
should be able to express to your partner your desire to try something
new, but you must respect their wishes if they do not wish to try the
same thing. This includes initiating any new sexual activity –
anything you do with a partner *must* be consensual from both (or all)
parties. Continually bringing it up in the hopes that you might sway
their opinion does not show respect. It is okay to bring something up
every once in a while, but once your partner indicates an unwillingness
to do something, you should let it go until they bring it back up.
Support for your
partner's sex esteem.
Recognize that you have a direct effect on the sex esteem of your
partner(s). Praise your partner when he/she does something that turns
you on. Let your partner know when they hit one of those magic buttons
that sends shivers up your spine, and let them know they are doing a
good job. This will help build their sense of sex esteem, and
encourage them to communicate with you about all things sexual. If you
need your partner to do something other than what he/she is doing to get
you off, try to guide them in the right direction without being
condescending or overly critical. Think of how you'd react if someone
told you, "You suck at that. Try this."
Summary
Healthy sex esteem is
*essential* to maintaining a productive, enjoyable sex life. If you
learn about the forces that help build your sex esteem, you can gain an
understanding of why you feel or act the way you do with respect to your
sexuality. A person with low sex esteem has sex in order to feel good
about themselves, whereas a person who has high sex esteem has sex
because they feel good about themselves. Don't allow a low sex
esteem to force you to compromise your values when it comes to sex.
Enjoy sex on your terms, not those of someone else. It is your
sexuality – own it!
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