Cybersex is the participation in sexual fantasy via chat or instant
messaging. This normally involves an e-mail or instant chat
"conversation" back and forth between two or more willing participants
whereby various sexual acts are described. Basically, cybersex is the
mediated telling of interactive sexual stories (in real time) with the
intent of arousal.
Though most people assume that most of the people who participate in
this are males, surprisingly, a slight majority of cybersex participants
are females. Women prefer the greater verbal and interactive experience
that cybersex involves, whereas males prefer the visual, less
interactive, typical porn web sites to effect their fantasies.
What is the allure?
Sexual arousal can only occur when the participants feel as though they
are in a "safe" zone. What could be safer than sex over a computer
connection? There is no threat of disease, pregnancy, and, the
participants are anonymous. This anonymity allows the two (or more)
participants to *be* whomever they choose to be, without all of the
flaws that make up a typical in-person encounter. There is no visual or
verbal contact that would transmit messages of shame, fear, regret, or
other negative emotions associated with a random or anonymous sexual
encounter.
Obviously, the person on the other end of the connection may not be who
they say they are. Indeed, they may not even be the gender, the age, the
sexual orientation, or may not have any of the attributes they claim to
have. In the end, does it really matter?
Most people participate in cybersex sessions to act out fantasies. Since
you are entirely responsible for the content and design of your own
fantasy, even a real life sexual encounter is likely to pale in
comparison. Cybersex allows two people to interact in concert to create
a mutually beneficial fantasy session. This represents a step above your
average, private fantasy because it allows for interaction between two
individuals who share, at least on some level, a common desire to
explore their innermost curiosities
It's free (typically), available 24/7, and allows someone whose sexual
proclivities might not allow for public exposure of them (i.e., gays or
lesbians in the military). You can, for example, engage someone in a
same sex encounter, whereas in real life, you would be too timid to do
such a thing. You can allow your mind to fantasize and experiment with
what it would be like to do this without risking the embarrassment of
someone discovering you doing it for real. This can be empowering.
Is Cybersex harmful?
Like any other potentially addictive activity, if it gets to the point
where it interferes with your ability to interact with real people, or
if it detracts from your ability to carry out "normal," daily life
activities, it could become damaging. Cybersex can be an enjoyable form
of masturbation play, but if it develops to the point where one or more
of the participants wants to meet in person, it can pose a problem if
the other objects to the inaccuracies that the first one has provided to
describe themselves. Of course, conversely, there are people for whom
this type of activity may be beneficial - those who are hesitant to
explore ambiguity about their sexual orientation, for example.
There is also considerable concern these days about older men meeting up
with younger boys and girls after having engaged them in some cybersex
play on the Internet. Clearly, this is a separate issue, since it
involves children who are not able to freely consent to having such a
relationship in the first place (see the precautionary information at
the end of this article).
Is cybersex "cheating" if you do it with
someone who is not your partner?
That answer will, of course, depend on the boundaries set in your
relationship. For most people the answer would be "yes" since it
involves the sharing of sexual "connectivity" with another person.
Different relationships have different boundaries, however, and the
specific answer for your relationship may vary. Note that your partner
is the one who makes the final determination, not you!
Keep in mind also that cybersex is an excellent way to connect with your
partner if you're separated by some distance and don't get to see each
other very often.
How do you "have" cybersex?
The basic idea is to type out instructions, commands, or comments to a
partner(s), substituting for what you'd do or say (or like to do or say)
if you were physically present with the person you are having cyber sex
with. It can be done by two or more people, and cybersex "orgies" are
not that uncommon. It may or may not involve masturbation in real life
by any of the participants – you simply imagine what is being conveyed
on the screen as being done to you, and masturbate thinking about it.
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How do you "do" cybersex? Though it may sound like a silly question, the
fact is, it is fairly hard to do and make it "realistic." You have to be
able to "read" your partner(s) and respond to them as you might if you
were there with them. You have to be able to visualize your partner(s),
what you're wearing, where you're at, etc., and provide well-worded
descriptions of what you want to do, how you want to do it, etc. In
reality, to pull off an erotic cybersex session, you have to be a good
actor, and you have to be able to fully engage the person you are
cybering with. You need to be literate (in the language of your partner,
whatever that is), a good speller, a fast typist and be able to ad lib.
And, like anything else in life, it will take some practice to get it
down and become good at it.
I'm not going to provide specific examples of things to say. Half the
fun of experimenting with or learning about something new (or someone
new) is figuring out how to communicate with your partner in a manner
that suits the two of you (or all of you if there is more than two).
Precautionary Information
You should always be cautious about becoming emotionally involved with a
cybersex partner (referring to someone you've never met – cybering with
your real life partner isn't applicable here). Cybering involves
interaction in a world that has been created entirely from fantasy –
yours. The chances of reality mimicking this fantasy are astronomically
low, and you are likely to develop an unrealistic expectation of what
your partner is really like. This can have disastrous consequences if
you try to force it into the real world. I'm not saying that there's no
such thing as one of these relationships that has worked itself into a
real world relationship – just that they are extremely rare.
You should resist allowing this type of interaction to supplant real
life, face-to-face interaction with others, particularly sex partners.
While cybersex can be a learning experience, and a great addition to
your sexual repertoire, maintaining a life entirely based on remote
interaction is not sufficient to allow you to learn the social skills
necessary to live in the real world
In some cases, your cybersex sessions may progress to the point where
one or both of the participants wish to meet each other in person to
take things to "the next level." It is very important that you proceed
with caution if you elect to go this route. Keep in mind that, as stated
above, the person on the other end of the computer may not be anything
like they've described themselves. As sad as it is to say, they may have
even been cybering with you specifically in the hopes that they could
lure you into a meeting. While the potential is there for a positive
outcome, the news is replete with stories of people being abducted,
raped, and even killed after meeting up with someone they'd only spoken
to online. It is also illegal for adults to meet up with minors for the
purposes of attempting to engage them in a sexual relationship.
If you elect to pursue this course of action, at the very least leave a
note that describes where you've gone and some background on your
reasons for going. This will allow investigators to at least have a
starting point if something happens to you and you do not come back.
Regardless, BE CAREFUL!
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