Caitlain's Corner

Sex Education

Your First Sexual Intercourse

How do I know if we are ready?

If you have to ask yourself if you are truly ready, then in all likelihood you may not be ready for sex. Having sex with someone is an extremely important step to take at any age. If you are not 100% completely sure that you are ready for the emotional issues that sex will bring to a relationship, then you should consider postponing it until you are better able to handle the possibilities.

First sex

There is no magical age at which it is more acceptable than any other to have sex for the first time – it is much more of an emotional maturity issue than how many years you’ve been on the planet. You have to be emotionally capable of handling sex and what it might do to your relationship before you go that far. Similarly, there is no magical amount of time that you need to have been a couple before you take that step.

Your first time should be special, however – you are giving your virginity (not “losing” it) to someone else (or sharing it with them, if you'd like to look at it that way), and that can only be done once.

My absolute requirement for anyone having sex with someone else is “Communication.” You have to be able to communicate with your partner on many different levels before you take that step of having sex. If you cannot trust your partner with your innermost soul, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex – it is that special!

See the article called "Am I Ready for Sex? " for more information about making that decision.

Comfort Levels

Try to plan out your first time so that you are not trying to do it in the back seat of a car. Your first time will be memorable for you – make sure it is not something you regret. Plan for a time when you can be alone in the house (yours or your partner’s), rent a hotel room, or make other, similar plans.

By the time you get ready to have sex, you and your partner should be *very* good at communicating with each other, and should be able to discuss things like condoms, what you will do if you get pregnant, and things like how you want your first time to go.

Almost invariably, your first time will be somewhat clumsy and uncoordinated, largely because you’ve never done this before. As time goes on and you do it more, you will become more adept at the physical aspects of having sex. As cliché as it sounds, practice makes perfect. One way to practice is to have “dry sex” prior to the real deal. Try “having sex” with your clothes on – go through the motions and positions and see what works best for you clothed prior to shedding everything.

Realize that this will, in all likelihood, be somewhat stressful for both of you. Both of you will be nervous, both of you will be tentative and hesitant, and both of you will be worried about how the other one is feeling. Realize that this is normal – and is a part of building that level of trust with one another. If stress causes things to not work out this time, back up, regroup, and try it again later. There is absolutely no harm in that at all, and in the end may even save your relationship. First time sex is rarely as exciting as it sounds or as it appears in porn. Be sure and use the experience for what it is – a chance to be intimate with your partner on a level that you’ve not experienced before.

The Importance of Foreplay

“Foreplay” is the term for “warm-up” for sex, and includes things like kissing, making out, stroking, rubbing, and touching each other to arouse one another as a pretense to actual sexual intercourse. For the male, foreplay is not as critical as it is for the female. With a guy, once the penis becomes erect, he is pretty much ready to go. For the girl, however, it may take a good bit of time for her body to produce the lubrication necessary and to relax enough to allow for comfortable intercourse. Therefore, it is critical that foreplay not be rushed.

Foreplay can include things like fingering, oral sex, hand jobs, use of sex toys, and just about any other activity that does not involve penile penetration of the vagina. Only you and your partner decide what is and is not “normal” within the context of your sexual relationship. Many couples like to take a shower or bath together before their first time. This helps both of them relax quite a bit, and heightens the senses significantly in preparation for sex.

How do you actually have “sex?”

If you’ve had sufficient foreplay, the two of you should be aroused to the point where intercourse may begin. This will include the moistening of vagina and an erection for the guy. You should decide which position you’d like to try intercourse in – select one that the two of you believe would be the most comfortable for both of you. Obviously, if the one you pick to begin with doesn’t work as well as you’d like, you can change at any point. For most people, the first time occurs either in the missionary position or the cowgirl position (girl on top).

Basically, you need to move into a position where the guy’s penis can penetrate the vaginal opening. Either of you may guide the penis into the opening if necessary. The initial penetration may be difficult if the female is a virgin or has not had sex in a while (see below for information on how to make the initial penetration easier). If it does not go in somewhat easily to begin with, slowly move back and forth pushing in a bit more each time. Make sure you use plenty of lubrication if it feels like there may not be enough wetness to allow the penis to penetrate without a lot of difficulty. The important thing to remember is to NOT RUSH and not ram the penis into her. Just take it slowly and work with her on it. It might hurt her, so be comforting to her if that is the case.

Once penetration has occurred, one or the both of you need to move in such a manner as to allow the penis to thrust into and pull almost out of the vagina, and then thrust back in again. As you become more comfortable with what is going on, you can build up speed and continue this until you orgasm or you get tired and want to try something else. There is no guarantee that either of you will have an orgasm (see below), but when the guy cums, that is usually the end point of the sexual encounter.

Will it hurt the first time?

Many girls are concerned that it will hurt the first time they have intercourse. It can hurt and some girls do bleed a little bit. The bleeding usually occurs because the girl has a hymen which breaks the first time she has sexual intercourse. Each girl is different, and just because one girl experiences pain and/or bleeding does not mean that you will. More information about the hymen can be found HERE.

You can minimize the risk of it hurting by practicing penetrating yourself with something that is penis-shaped, such as a condom-covered banana, your fingers, a vibrator or dildo, or anything else that can safely be used for such purposes. It *may* hurt then, but you will be in control of it and can take your time and not have to worry about experiencing interruption of your first time because of the pain you might experience (though this is certainly nothing to be embarrassed about).

What if my partner is not a virgin?

That really makes little difference. If both of you are virgins, of course, you will not be mentally comparing yourselves to each other’s previous partners, but even if one or both partners has had other sexual partners, there is or should be no comparison between what happened then and what is happening now.

Can I get pregnant the first time?

You most certainly can! If you are not on hormonal birth control (i.e. the “pill”), you should at a minimum use a condom. It is an excellent idea even if you are on the pill to use a condom – this adds to the protection against pregnancy and also prevents many STD infections. If you only use a condom you *must* use it correctly to ensure that you do not increase your risk of becoming pregnant.

Will we both have orgasms?

This is one of the most commonly issues with first time sex. Almost invariably, the guy will have an orgasm (though this is not always the case). It is just much easier from a mechanical and emotional standpoint for the guy to achieve orgasm than it is for the girl. If the girl experiences a good bit of pain, or if the positions selected for the first time are not conducive to the girl having an orgasm, then she may not cum. There are some suggestions to help make this a little more likely:

	The guy should take initial penetration very slowly. Rushing it will only add to the pain and may cause her considerable discomfort. This will put her in a mindset to not enjoy sex at all and will go a long way towards preventing her from cumming.
	Use lubrication if necessary. Nervousness will frequently cause the girl to not produce sufficient lubrication for sex, and the couple can help alleviate this by having a small bottle of KY or AstroGlide available. Use it! Even lubricated condoms do not really have enough lubrication on them to help first timers.
	Only about 25% of girls orgasm from penetrative sex alone on a good day. Frequently, it is necessary for her to masturbate herself (see the articles on masturbation if necessary) during penetration in order to cum. An excellent suggestion for first timers is to use the cowgirl (girl on top) position for the first time as well. This allows her to push her clit against the guy’s pubic bone during sex in order to stimulate her and will go a long way towards helping her achieve orgasm.
	It is almost unheard of for both partners to cum at the same time, even with people significantly experienced at sex. Simultaneous orgasms should not be an intended outcome of sex – especially your first time.
	One common issue with inexperienced guys is, shall we say, early release. This, too, is very common. The only real thing you can do about it is to masturbate before your first intercourse. That may sound odd, but if you cum within a few seconds of penetrating your girl, I can assure you that it will be a memorable experience for her for an entirely different reason that it was for you! If she asks about why you need to masturbate, explain it to her.

Other Important Points:

	If either partner feels the least bit uncomfortable during sex, it is okay to say “Stop” and to take a break and reconsider what you are doing. Though it will result in some frustration for one or the both of you, it is absolutely essential that you both feel 100% comfortable doing it. And each partner should be willing to respect the others’ decision to stop. If not, then it is time to reconsider your relationship anyway.
	Put a towel or something beneath you before you have sex. Many girls will bleed somewhat on their first time (and many will bleed on subsequent attempts for a few times after their first as well), and the towel will keep the sheets from being soiled.
	It is very common for a guy to lose his erection during first time sex. The girl must be understanding and realize that this is not her fault, but is simply a reaction to the nervousness of it all. If it happens, take a few minutes and give him head, or a hand job, or provide some other method of stimulating his penis to bring him back up! It is also common for the guy to begin to lose his erection when putting the condom on. A good cure or preventative for this is to have the girl put it on as a part of giving him head or a hand job.
	Penis size is frequently a concern for guys on their first sexual encounter. Unless you are really small or really huge, this generally should not be a problem. If you are concerned about this, see the article on penis size.
	Spend some time learning about how to have sex – buy a book, use the Internet, etc., and learn how to do things so that you’ll have that body of knowledge going into it. You might pick up some tips that you’ll find come in handy, even later if not on your first time.
	I am not a big fan of just letting your first time happen spontaneously. Those kinds of occurrences usually mean lack of planning, lack of protection, and lack of forethought into what you’re doing. Plan and prepare for it - make it special, not just another random occurrence.
	Don’t make your first intercourse be the first time you are nude around your partner. By now, you should’ve been making out and have become serious enough that you’ve been naked around your partner before you actually get to this point. If this were your first time nude around your partner, you’re likely to have some self-confidence issues about your body, and you don’t need that.