Despite your best efforts, at some point you will go through the
breakup of a relationship - everyone does from time to time. It
will, almost without a doubt, be a painful process for you.
You will have invested a significant amount of emotion into building
and maintaining that intimate bond with someone, only to have it all
disposed of in rather short order.
In some cases, your partner
will break up with you. In others, you'll get to the point
where you realize that the relationship you have with another person
just doesn't have any potential for a positive future, and you will
have to make the decision to end it. How you do that will have
consequences, some of which may not be obvious for months or even
years.
When do you make that decision?
If you have and maintain a
healthy relationship, the chances are good that you'll never
consider breaking up with your partner. Sadly, many
relationships either never were healthy to begin with, or gradually
become unhealthy because of some change that occurs in the
relationship.
There is no magic "item" or list of items that
one could say should cause you to consider breaking up with someone.
I believe that once you realize that your partner is not fulfilling
his/her role and obligations in the relationships (as determined by
the two of you collectively), it is time to
take a hard look at it. Other, more obvious signs that things might be
headed that way are that you'd rather
spend time doing other things than being with your partner, you
trying to find ways to avoid being intimate with him/her, or maybe
finding your partner annoying or irritating frequently. Or,
you may come to the simple conclusion that the two of you are just
headed down different paths in life - sometimes people just grow out
of a relationship. Be sure that you are breaking up because you want to, and not because your friends want you to.
If you're like most people, you'll go through a period where you
want to break up, then rethink it and you don't want to, and then go
back to thinking that you do. At some point, you'll find that
your relationship with your partner just doesn't feel "right," and
you'll know that it is time to move on. The longer you try to
hold onto it, the more bitter you may become, and you'll begin to
take it out on your partner. Doing this causes you to run the
risk of making your breakup even more painful because it will
generate very bad feelings. Don't prolong a relationship that
does not feel right for you.
The truth of the matter is, you don't need a reason to break up.
You are under no obligation to make a relationship work if it is not
fulfilling to you - both partners have to feel fulfilled in a
relationship for it to be healthy, and an unhealthy relationship is
harmful to your self esteem. Conversely, however, you
shouldn't necessarily take a few rough or bad times in a
relationship as a sign that you need to break up without trying to
work out the issues.
Should we "Take a break?"
Some couples may feel they'd like to take a "break" from their
relationship for a while to see how life is free of the
responsibilities associated with the relationship. A break is
not really a "break-up," though getting back together afterwards may
be tougher than you might imagine. If you believe it would be
beneficial to your relationship to take a break from each other,
then you should discuss this with your partner. Keep in mind
that your partner is likely not to see this coming, and may be
upset. He/She may even consider it as breaking up. If
you truly are not interested in maintaining or recovering your
relationship, you should go ahead and actually end it, rather than
prolonging the agony.
If the two of you decide that you'd like to take the break, be sure
and lay the ground rules at the outset. For example, for some,
being on a break means that you can fully date (including sexual
activity if it goes that far) other people, whereas that may be out
of bounds for the two of you. Being out of the relationship
for a while will allow you to evaluate it a little more clearly
without the pressure of actually being in it. You must be
careful to understand that whatever you do during the break is
likely to come back to your partner, however.
Regardless, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner.
If you come to the realization that your old relationship just isn't
going to return, let your partner know. Likewise, you should
let your partner know if you've come to the conclusion that you
would like to restore it - no need to leave things hanging any
longer than necessary.
How to break up
The most important concept to understand when breaking up is that of
"tact." Being tactful means that you break up with your
partner without being rude, abusive or mean. Be as sensitive
to his/her emotional state as you can, because this is always
a tough time for anyone.
As for where, well some place private is best. Most people
suggest that you do it at one or the others' house, and that may be
an acceptable idea EXCEPT when you are breaking up due to an abusive
partner. If you have an abusive partner, you want to avoid
putting yourself into a position where you can be taken advantage of
without anyone else knowing about it, so putting yourself at one of
the houses, especially without someone else there, is not a good
idea. Another good idea is any neutral place that affords you
some measure of privacy. If you are concerned for your safety
you should take a friend with you - he/she can wait nearby while you
break the news.
Tell your partner that you need to have a serious discussion with
him/her, and ask him/her to set some time aside soon so you can
talk. When the time comes, let them know that you don't
believe you can continue in your relationship with them - you can
state it in those terms if that works for you. Let them know
that this is not/was not a snap decision, and that you've put some
thought into it. You
can explain why if you'd like to, and in some cases it may be
helpful to them to understand why you are breaking up with them
(i.e., because of a serious personality flaw for example). You may
choose not to say anything about it if you've fallen for someone
else, but unless you are very adept at keeping relationships a
secret, your ex is bound to find out anyway.
You partner may try to persuade you to reconsider, but if you are
serious about this, you have to explain to them that that can't
happen. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for the
decision - if you give in to it, you're relationship is only going
to deteriorate further, and it will become harder to deal with.
Once one person has suggested a breakup, the trust upon which the
relationship is built has deteriorated.
Finally, end the conversation on some kind of positive note if
possible. In many cases, it may have gotten to the point where
you really cannot identify anything positive that has come out of
the relationship, especially the last few weeks/months that led up
to your decision. But let your now ex know that you enjoyed
some aspect of what you've shared together, and that you wish them
all the best, and hope that they understand, or will come to
understand why you had to do what you did.
How Not to Break Up
Whatever you do, don't drag it out. Doing that will only make
it more painful for the both of you. Just explain why you are
breaking up, and if you still want to be friends with your ex, tell
them that as well. Be forthright with them, and don't lie about
anything - this may turn around at some point and bite you on the
ass.
Don't rattle of a long list of your
partner's flaws (or perceived flaws). Just explain that you
are unable to deal with the relationship in its current state and
leave it at that. Just because you perceive something as a
flaw doesn't mean someone else will, so ranting about their supposed
flaws may damage their self esteem unnecessarily, and serves no
purpose other than to hurt them.
How to react if your partner breaks up with you
In many cases, your partner may be the one who wants the break up.
Though you may be tempted to try to convince him/her not to break up
with you, you are only delaying the inevitable. Once one
person wants to break up and makes it known, it is extremely rare
that the relationship would survive - you'd have concerns about when
the next "break-up" notice will come, or whether you could trust
your partner, etc. And though your partner might appear to be
making an attempt to make the relationship work, they will have an
inner conflict with themselves about why they are doing it, and this
may lead them to begin to treat you badly.
The best thing to do is accept the fact that it is over, and try to
learn from what you've been through in the relationship in an
attempt to make the next one work better for you. Sure, you
should cry and lament the loss of that connection - to deny that it
hurts would be inhuman. Lean on a friend's shoulder
if that helps. But rather than wallow in your own self pity,
you need to begin working on rebuilding yourself and getting ready
for your next relationship, if you want one. It is always a
good idea to spend some time free of obligations once you've gotten
out of a relationship. Enjoy your freedom and know that, at
some point, you'll find someone else to build a relationship with
when you get ready to. Never feel as though a failed
relationship was a waste. Use it to learn about what you can
do to make your next one better. It is impossible to succeed
at everything in life, and relationships are no different.
What happens after you break up?
That will depend largely on how the two of you approach it.
The mature thing to do, of course, is to recognize that the
relationship is over, learn from it, and go on with life. It
would be naive to believe that will happen in most cases, however.
If you're the one that initiated the breakup, and you are
comfortable with the decision, you may appear to your ex as having
not really cared to begin with. This may lead to resentment by
your ex, and may manifest itself through the ex talking badly
about you behind your back. The only real way to combat
this is to just be the mature one and not let it get to you.
If you are mature about it and act responsibly, others will see
this, especially over a period of time.
You also need to resist the urge to just jump right into another
relationship. Once you've broken up, you will feel an void in
you that you will want to fill. Some people will jump right
into another relationship to do that, and of course, that is the
wrong reason to go into one to begin with. These often fail to
work out as well, setting you up for more pain. Give yourself
some time to calm down and be able to think rationally again!
You may find yourself in a position where you lose friends as a
result of the breakup, especially if you've become close friends
with friends of your ex. Your ex may even pressure them to
have nothing to do with you. A true friendship should survive
these kinds of things, however. Just strive to maintain your
friendship with them. If for some reason, they choose to
dispose of it, then perhaps they weren't true friends to begin with.
Breakups from sexual relationships
One unique aspect that needs to be considered is whether or not
you've had a sexual relationship with the person you broke up with. If you
haven't, then it is obviously a non-issue. If you have, you
may find yourself wondering if you made a mistake or went too far.
The only true answer to that will come from your original decision
to have sex in the first place. If you did it because of
heartfelt reasons (i.e., you really "loved" the person, etc.), then
it most definitely was not a mistake. If that wasn't the
reason for it, then it may have indeed been a mistake, but it was at
the time you did it anyway. In that case, you can't take it
back, so strive to learn from it and make sure that it doesn't
happen again.
If your breakup is a bad one, it is possible your ex may talk about
parts of your sexual relationship to others in an attempt to "get
back" at you or make you "damaged" in the eyes of others. You
have to remain the mature one in this and resist the urge to
disparage your ex's sexuality. People might
talk, but as long as you don't act promiscuous and give people a
reason to believe that you sleep around, the issue will soon be
forgotten. You own your sexuality, and you shouldn't allow
others to make you feel bad because of it. A person's sexuality is a
part of who they are, and as long as you're not screwing everything
that moves, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Is it possible to remain friends?
Only the two of you will be able to answer that. Certainly it
*is* possible, but whether or not the two of you can get past the
hurt feelings and not punish each other for the breakup will be up
to you and your ex. If you are at school with your ex, and see
each other on a daily basis, you stand a fairly decent chance of
remaining (or becoming) friends over time. Strive to give each
other some breathing room for the first few days or weeks after the
breakup if possible; this will help make the transition easier for
the both of you.
What are the chances we'd get back together? Would that work
out?
Certainly there have been rare cases where two people who broke up
have gotten back together and made it work out. That is the
exception rather than the rule, however, and you should probably not
hold out for that to happen, especially if you are the one who
initiated the break up. If both partners have matured enough
to get back together and work things out, then that is certainly a
positive outcome.
Summary
If you've come to the decision that it is time to break up, you need
to tell your partner in a straightforward manner. Staying in an
unhealthy relationship only hurts you, and there's no reason that
you have to do so. It will certainly be painful for you, but
given a sufficient amount of time, you will recover and go on to
have other relationships in the future.
If you are the one being broken up with, face the reality that it is
over, despite any desire you may have to try to recover it and make
it work out. Learn from any mistakes you made, and resolve not
to repeat them in future relationships. Don't treat your ex or
the former relationship immaturely.
Regardless of which end of the break up you're on, always remember
that the pain is only temporary.
