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 Flirting is the art of engaging someone you are interested in with
light banter and playful conversation, and perhaps a dash of
physical interaction thrown in for good measure. Flirting is the
“first impression” of the process that leads to the building of a
relationship. Thus, the more successful you are at flirting, the
more likely you are to be able to engage someone in an interaction
(or series of interactions) that would lead to that first date! As
it is an “art” there are no cut and dried rules as to how to go about
doing it, and many people don’t realize that they’re being flirted
with in many cases.
The key to flirting is not to show off or impress the person you are
trying to attract, but to allow the other person to see that you are
interested in them. Once your target comes to realize that you like
him/her, if they’re interested, they will flirt back. From there, as
long as you don’t overdo it, you may be able to develop a closer
relationship with the person until the point where it becomes
feasible to ask them out on that first date. Flirting is one of the
best ways to find out if you are compatible with a person that you
are interested in.
If you are naturally gregarious or extroverted, flirting may come
more naturally to you than it does someone who’s introverted.
Regardless, many people have problems mastering the art of the
flirt. So let’s investigate some tips and techniques that guys and
girls use to flirt with each other!
Flirting involves a number of verbal and nonverbal skills; some of
which are easily learned, some of which take quite a bit of practice
to master. Body language is perhaps the most telling non-verbal
measure you can take of someone. If you can learn to read body
language, you will have an easier time sensing whether or not
someone is interested or open to becoming interested in you. Most of
all, be confident. Both sexes can pick up on the lack of self
confidence from the other, and this may inhibit your attempts to
convince your target that you are serious. A good sense of humor
goes a long way as well! Most importantly, however, be yourself,
don’t try too hard, and don’t over do it!
Eye Contact
You can signal your interest in someone merely by making eye contact
and attempting to hold your target’s gaze for more than one second
(not too much more, though, or you will seem threatening). If your
target maintains eye contact with you for more than one second, the
chances are that he/she might return your interest. If after this
initial contact, your target looks away briefly and then looks back
to meet your gaze a second time, you can safely assume that he/she
is interested. If these eye contacts trigger a smile, you can
approach your target with some confidence. If, on the other hand,
your target avoids making eye contact with you, or looks away after
a fraction of a second and does not look back again, you should
probably assume that your interest is not returned. Of course, there
is still the possibility that your target may be shy.
Talking and Talk Etiquette
To engage someone in a conversation, you have to learn the etiquette
regarding conversations. A conversation should never be one-sided.
There should be a relatively even flow of talk between the two
parties, about one or more subjects that hold some interest for
both. Use a normal tone of voice for the environment you are in, and
don’t use crude or overtly sexual innuendo, and most of all show
respect for the other person. Don’t cut them off or interrupt them
while they’re talking unnecessarily.
The Art of Listening
One of the biggest traps we fall into when talking with someone else
is that we like to talk about ourselves, and don’t take the time to
listen to what the other person says. In order to convey interest in
someone else, you need to make sure that you give the other person
time to speak, and actually *hear* what they’re saying. You must
make your target understand that you are listening to what they’re
saying and are genuinely interested in them in order for them to
perceive that you are truly interested in them. Listen attentively
to your target, nodding occasionally or otherwise indicating that
you are listening and understanding what they’re saying.
Pay Your Partner a Compliment
Don’t get cheesy with it, but compliment your target on something
you’ve noticed about them that really grabs your attention. For
example, if you like a particular article of clothing, their hair,
etc., say so. Everyone likes to be complimented.
Use Stimulating Conversation
Ask open ended questions (i.e., those that can’t be answered with a
simple “yes” or “no.” These kinds of questions make the other person
think and construct an answer, give you some insight into their
thought processes, and can usually provide you some nugget of
information that you can use to formulate your next question or
conversation item. You can use what you hear from them as a basis
for sharing your own experiences with the subject, but keep in mind
that you don’t want to spend too much time focusing on yourself
One good idea is to know as much about your target as possible
before you initiate the flirt. If you can find out what kind of
music she likes, for example, you can use this as a source of
conversation.
Keep It Subtle
The most effective flirting techniques are subtle, and not over the
top. You have to be careful that you don’t appear to be “coming on”
to your target, at least not too early on. Otherwise you risk
turning them off to your attempts early on. NEVER start out talking
about sex or using sexual innuendo when you first meet someone. Be
the first person to end the conversation – don’t let it drag on
until both of you get bored! Leave your partner wanting more.
Is The Other Person Interested?
The easiest way to determine if someone is interested in you is to
watch their body language. Though many people will exhibit some of
the signs listed below, just because they do doesn’t necessarily
mean that they are flirting with you, but they are good positive
indicators.
How to tell is “she” is interested or flirting:
-She holds your gaze and looks into your eyes
-She becomes slightly flushed (red) in the face (this is blushing,
more or less)
-She exposes the palms of her hands to you (this signals a level of
trust)
-She plays with her hair, jewelry, or other object on her body as
she talks to you
-She changes the volume or inflections in her voice to match yours
-She winks at you
-She bites her lower lip, or smiles at you (maybe seductively)
-She touches you lightly on the arm, or shoulder (very good sign)
-She changes her posture or position to mirror or mimic yours. A
partner who has a part of her body facing away from you is an
indication that you do not have her full attention.
How to tell if “he’s” interested or flirting
-He blushes
-He smiles when you’re talking to him
-He watches your lips as you’re talking to him, or makes a makes a
circle around your face with his gaze and returns to your lips.
Sometimes he may look down and not back up if he’s shy.
-His gaze moves up and down the length of your body (he’s checking
you out)
-He appears to be trying to pay attention to you, but doesn’t really
know how. Girls are mysterious creatures to guys, and they’re never
initially sure how to approach you at the beginning. He doesn’t want
to risk alienating you by doing something stupid.
-You catch him looking at you, but he quickly looks away when you
do. He may touch his face, or his shirt, or may preen himself.
The Next Step
At some point, after you’ve flirted for a period of time (which will
vary depending on the people involved – there is no set standard),
one of you will get to the point where you might wish to move the
relationship to the next point. This could be asking
the other person out on a date or to some kind of function that
you might consider an “unofficial” date. This can be done by either
partner in the new relationship.
Rejection
What do you do if your attempt at flirting is rejected? The only
thing you can do is strive to learn what you can from it, and
realize that there are other fish in the sea. Evaluate why you were
not successful if you can, and find a way to prevent the same
problem from occurring again in the future. Of course, if it is
someone you’ve only just met, there may be plenty of other reasons
why he/she wasn’t interested. They may have a partner already; they
may not be interested in getting to know anyone at the moment, etc.
Everyone is unsuccessful at some point. Just suck it up and move on.
You should also learn to recognize the signs that someone is not
interested so that you don’t embarrass yourself. Moving away from
you is a good sign. The folding of the arms suggests that they are
not interested, as does your target’s positioning of their body such
that most of it is pointing away from you. Another good sign that
someone is growing weary of you is when your target ceases
volunteering information about themselves, or begins answering you
with one or two words as opposed to complete sentences.
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