Caitlain's Corner

Sex Education

Self Esteem & Body Image

A girl looking in the mirror sees a distorted body image

What do you think about your body and how you look? How is your self-esteem?

Having good self-esteem means that you love, respect, and trust yourself, and feel confident about who you are. Your self-esteem is something very personal. It’s the way that you feel about yourself and how you think that others feel about you.

For most people, how they view the way they look is perhaps the most critical aspect of their self esteem. And, usually, it is the one area they have the least direct control over. Having a poor self image happens to just about everyone at some point, regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender, body shape, sexual orientation, etc. Indeed, some of these factors will even have an impact on how you view your own body image. Body image is not really the result of a physical manifestation, but a more of a psychological one. It is all in the mind, and influenced more by your own self esteem than what others think of you!

You first become aware of your body image when you hit puberty. You begin to notice subtle and not so subtle changes in the way your body is shaped, how it looks to you, and how it looks to others. Since people develop at different rates, some girls for example may have noticeable breasts at age 12, whereas yours won’t develop until you hit 14 – those differing cycles are normal and also influenced by genetics and other issues over which you have no control. Everyone will go through cycles where, at one point, you are perfectly happy with the way you look, and the next day you aren’t. You need to know that this is a perfectly normal part of growing up. You should also realize that you will most likely deal with this throughout the remainder of your life in one fashion or another.

You may see other people and wish that you had a talent or skill that they have, or you may think that someone is perfect and feel bad that you're not perfect. Remember that nobody is perfect, though. You can't really compare yourself to others because you don't know what you're comparing yourself to. Each person has their own thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and talents, and each person has their own fears, weaknesses, and troubles. People's cultural backgrounds are different, too, and that may have an effect on how they feel about or react to things. In short, everyone is different – you cannot compare yourself to others.

A lot of how we feel about our bodies comes from how society tells us we’re “supposed” to look. This is done through advertising, television and movie portrayals, and even things such as toys and pornography. The images pushed to us through these avenues causes us and others in society to believe that, if you do not look like something portrayed in the ads, you are somehow less desirable or less worthy of affection and/or attention. Fortunately, most people are not shallow enough to believe that, and you shouldn’t either. You are not and should not be defined solely by the appearance of your physical body!

If you allow these kinds of things to impact you negatively, it can lead to you taking drastic actions to try to influence how you and others perceive your body. This may include things like eating disorders, causing harm to your own body, other obsessive behaviors, and in drastic situations even suicide. It is important that you learn to accept you for who you are. As you go through life, you will come to realize that those whose opinions matter will not rate your worth on what you look like, but rather on who you are as a person.

It is important to note that what you often see in advertisements is almost invariably not what people look like in real life. For instance in lingerie ads, the models are *always* airbrushed so that any wrinkles, skin tone abnormalities, etc., are removed. The guys in underwear and sports advertisements are similarly “fixed” to appear as buff as they are in many cases. If the ads cannot provide you with a real representation of what the model looks like, how could you possibly expect yourself to look that way?

Much of how you look is determined by your genetics, and there is largely nothing you can do about it. Take your body frame for example. You cannot change your bone structure, so if you are tall and lanky, there’s not a single thing you can do to make yourself shorter. You have little choice but to accept it. Worrying about these kinds of things will do little besides waste energy you could be using to improve other areas that you do have an influence over.

You do have some control over other things, however, like hair color or and length, or clothing, and should feel free to experiment with them as you grow up. There’s no reason you can’t dye your hair blonde if you’d like to see how you’d look as a blonde, and there’s no reason you couldn’t try cutting your hair much shorter if you currently have long hair. Many teenagers, as they grow up, will experiment with personal appearance, clothing, piercings, and other attributes that they have control over to exert some individuality, and this can be a good thing if done in a positive manner. There’s certainly no harm in that.

One of the most important concepts you should understand is the power of positive thinking. Since there is little you can do about how you look over all, you should become comfortable in your own skin and learn to accept yourself as you are. This is more about your inner qualities than your outward ones. This will provide you with a level of self confidence that will allow you to carry yourself better as you move through life. What I mean by this is that, you have to tell yourself that you look good within the context of the body that you have, and project that attitude as you interact with people on a daily basis. Do what you need to do to make yourself look good using the body that you have, and that confidence will begin to show in the way you interact with others. For many people, self-confidence is a huge turn on, and you’ll be amazed at how much better your personal interactions feel when you believe that you look your best!

Learn to concentrate on the things you do well. Everyone has their own set of attributes and capabilities that they do better than others. Some people use their looks to attract others, some use physical prowess, some use intelligence, some use a certain talent, some use their personalities, etc. Different things attract and have value to different people, so just because you don’t believe you are as attractive as someone else, that certainly does not mean that you are any less of a person, less valuable, or less attractive than any other individual.

If you allow the negative feelings about your appearance to control you as you grow up, you could possibly endure those feelings the rest of your life, and this might impact your ability to carry on healthy relationships. You’ll have plenty of other things to worry about, and worrying about something you largely have little control over is a huge waste of your energy and your time! If you feel as though you are unable to deal with these feelings in an effective, safe, healthy manner, you should consider seeking counseling from your parents, a school counselor, or other professional.